I used to always try to keep a diary when I was a tween/teenager/young adult. I would write in it consistently for about a week and then never touch it again for weeks/months/years!
And I wanted to keep a diary because all the girls in the movies had diaries, of course.
Yet, I also believe, now, as an adult, that I needed my own space to be private, to feel like I had a secret life no one else knew about, which ultimately made me feel special. And doesn’t every young girl deserve to feel special!!
As a young person there was never really much space for me to be alone with my thoughts. I don’t trust easily, so I didn’t tell my friends my deepest darkest secrets, shit, I didn’t even tell my diary. I wrote many things in code, but my point is that this was MY space and I made myself feel guilty for neglecting it!
I knew then that I wanted to write things down for posterity. Perhaps I also knew that I would have a horrible memory and would thoroughly enjoy reading those sporadic crazy little entries:
I judged and hated my friends in there
Decapitated my enemies,
Crushed on my Crushes
Did a whoooooole lot of complaining, mainly about life not being fair
Complained about whatever retail job I was working at
And just ,in general, complained about how consistently miserable I was
If you read these early diaries, you would think I never had a good day in my life!
Which is untrue! I know now that my life then was Easy Peasy! But a teenager will be a teenager! The world wasn’t revolving around me and I didn’t like it!
So, not only was I miserable, but I felt guilty for not documenting my misery daily. Points to me for the combo attack!
What I picked up on when I read years later, is that almost every entry began with:
I’m sorry I haven’t written in a while…
I’m really gonna try and write more often…
I know I said I was gonna write more often…
I’m so sorry! I’m gonna write more often…
My apologies for not writing in so long…
… … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … …
And I just thought this is ridiculous! Why the hell was I consistently apologizing for not writing in MY diary. No one will see it, but me! And there it was: my young self didn’t want to disappoint my older self. How considerate of young me!
But I do find, now, that it is quite a silly thing to apologize to your own Diary or Journal! But that doesn’t stop me from wanting to apologize to this here Blog all the damned time! Grrrrrr!! I guess not much has changed. While before, I was apologizing to myself, now I apologize to my readers. Even though I’m pretty sure no one is angry, upset, or disappointed with me, at all!
A lot of times when I decide to do something, no matter how much fun it should be, I end up feeling obligated to do it and that just sucks the life out of it completely. This is one of those times/one of those things.
SO, I WILL APOLOGIZE TO YOU ONCE AND ONCE ONLY, MY LOVELY JOURNAL (DEAR READERS):
I am truly sorry I don’t update my blog as much as I would like to. Sometimes I’m dry and nothing interests me enough to want to write it down. Sometimes (okay, most times) I’m lazy, sometimes I’m busy, and sometimes one specific event/idea/person that is too personal to share on the internet consumes me and I can’t block those thoughts long enough to allow my creativity to be productive (I’m working on controlling myself). I extend my most sincerest apologies. I hope you accept my apology and enjoy my entries as they come because I’m going to do what the fuck I want to do, when I want to do it!
Blogger’s Guilt is Not For Me!
Now, I’ve explained myself and apologized. My guilt shouldn’t bother me from here on out. I’ve made amends, I’ll do what I can, story done, that’s a wrap!
And I’m never doing this shit again! :)