Friday Fictioneers: Non-Believers (6.22.12/Story 4)

Stumbled upon the Blog of Madison Woods and discovered her fabulous idea for Flash Fiction: Friday Fictioneers! A great way to generate ideas, and receive opinions, praise, critiques, etc. from fellow writers.

The goal is to write a 100 word story inspired by a picture that is posted every Wednesday. On Friday, we post our stories, and indulge in everyone’s short pieces. Interesting fun!

Her Site:

www.madison-woods.com

This week’s inspiration:

My story (Enjoy!):

Non-believers

Bobby said stones could talk.

I didn’t believe him.

I had to prove him wrong.

I walked to the bus, sat in the back row, and according to my compass, we were headed north. Next thing, I was waking up alone as the driver announced, “Last Stop.” I didn’t know where we were, but I wasn’t scared. I heard running water, ran, and eventually found the stream.  Stones everywhere. I put my arms up in a V and concentrated hard. Nothing. They rejected me, but a dragonfly landed and screamed my name. I ignored it, and no one believed me.

(Open to constructive criticism, of course)

-MS

 

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39 thoughts on “Friday Fictioneers: Non-Believers (6.22.12/Story 4)”

  1. A wonderful message in your story. Be still and you shall hear…! But how many of us stop long enough to be still and listen. I’m #2 on the list.

  2. this part: They rejected me, but a dragonfly landed and screamed my name. I ignored it, and no one believed me.

    nobody believed you about the dragonfly screaming your name?

    but you said you ignored it. so if you ignored it, then how did others know about it in order to not believe you?

    1. With more words, I would have accounted for the gap in time between the “ignoring” and the “no one believing.” But the way I see it, he didn’t pay attention to the dragonfly yelling at that very moment and/or ignored its significance, but was aware of it calling his name, as we sometimes ignore things we are perfectly aware of for our own personal reasons.Then he told his complete story to people and they didn’t believe him about any of it, including the dragonfly part. But I do think the story could benefit from being tightened & cleaned up a bit! I even think reversing the lines (No one believed me, so I ignored it, or continued to ignore it) would work a little better! Thanks for your comment/question!

      1. if you don’t mind, another question. “they” said the rocks can talk, but they didn’t believe him about the dragonfly talking? seems like they should believe him if they want him to believe them about the rocks.

  3. Welcome to the Fictioneers! I enjoyed your story about faith and the difficulty of believing. I agreed with one or two previous comments about the last line needing a little more to it. If you would accept a suggestion – lose the bit about the bus, and jump straight from the narrator doubting Bobby to “At the stream, there were stones everywhere”. That would buy you enough words to make the ending more complete.
    Just a suggestion though! I look forward to reading more from you soon.
    I’m over here: http://elmowrites.wordpress.com/2012/06/22/friday-fiction-the-crossing/

    1. Thanks for the suggestion! The ending does need work, although I do feel uncomfortable skipping over the bus part. I would lose the sense that he is far away from home, isolated and doesn’t quite know where he is. For me, it adds to the mystique. I’ll work on it!

  4. Nice job here. To squeeze an entire story into just 100 words is difficult, however, based on your delivery, you are up to it. Keep it coming.

    Here’s my suggestion…write your story, tell it all, then check your word count, shave off anything that seems extra or not entirely necessary to the heart of the story, then check your word count again, as you do this sometimes you’ll find other pieces are also unnecessary and after chopping you now have space for more words, so go back and try to finesse any rough spots or try to change a verb so that it implies more than just the basic action of the verb, and before you know it the entire story (all the pieces) begins to wedge itself inside those few words.

    Your story is meant to be heard, now uncover it and let it out.

    http://thebradleychronicles.wordpress.com/2012/06/21/flash-fiction-friday-shearing-placid/

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